I’ve turned into a peeve

Hello and happy Monday Funday. [Blogged while feeling inspired at 9:52 on a Monday morning during work hours and surrendering to my overbearing feelings of needing change, but being too soft to actually do anything about it.]

So it turns out working full time, working part time, freelancing, planning a wedding, settling into a new house, finding time to be a human and keeping all my relationships intact was just like a little too much at once. And by “little” I mean I had never been that overwhelmed in my life, thus no blogging and lots of stress-induced adult acne. But like, all exciting things blah, blah, blah. (I wanted to cry and then scream and then collapse.) But anyway, enough about me and the deterioration of my overall health and well-being.

Do you know what I find to be incredibly soul-sucking? Listening to people complain about their life, cry about needing change, and then never fucking doing anything about it. Like, plz stop telling me what you think you need to do and literally just do it. Sadly, I have become my own soul-sucker. The transition was two-fold. 1.) I was seeing people (arguably less-“qualified” than me) doing things I wanted to do without the credentials or training I had, and being successful at it. And 2.) It took me 29 years to realize that what others find to be unconventional or risky, I find to be the perfect path for someone like me. Someone with lots of interests, passions and hobbies — with the often criticized “I can change the world” attitude. And quite frankly, as dumb as it sounds, I never knew people just like forged a custom career path through freelancing or entrepreneurship. I thought people went to college, got a meaningless degree and spent their youthful years working for someone else, only to retire at an age when nothing in their body works anymore and days are spent sitting in a yard chair or going to Costco.

So here I am, living my best life* at a corporate job I’m not passionate about, giving 90% of my energy to someone else’s mission, and hate-watching other people take a leap of faith to better their quality of life. While I sit here, wishful thinking and literally just watching my life pass by.

Life as I know it is great. It’s comfortable and stable. It’s predictable and secure. But it’s also so unfulfilling I could (and sometimes do actually — I’m fine) cry. So right now, a fresh 30, I’m feeling stuck. Paralyzed by the fear that my very conventional and practical (and loving and wise) father instilled in me, believing that money is security and success and all those things one needs in life to be happy. He’s not wrong. But he’s not totally right either. Sorry, dad. And now I’m feeling the pressure of trying to balance a new husband who LIVES for financial spreadsheets with crafting the purpose-driven life I want for myself, that may require some time away from a stable paycheck.

I’m sharing this perspective because I believe there are many of us who feel this way. And while society (and possibly a conservative parent) tells us to STFU and sit back down in our cubicle, life is fine — I’m here to encourage your unconventional path to building a life that fills you with purpose. Because God forbid you want more out of life than a 45-minute commute and a flesh-colored 4×4 cubicle.


This blog is brought to you by Joaquin Phoenix’s Oscar speech and Colleen Bordeaux’s book, Am I Doing This Right?.

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One thought on “I’ve turned into a peeve

  1. Ahhh this all sounds so familiar. Even the part about the pragmatic husband and his spreadsheets 😂. And I speak from experience when I say that writing about it and putting it into the world galvanizes something inside of you that will make change happen. You’ll re-read this post in -a year and shock yourself with how much you’ve done. (Also, thanks for the book shout out ❤️)

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